just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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