A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
