I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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