Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
