If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
