Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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