I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
3 2 1 whiskey
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
