God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
People in love make me want to vomit
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
