Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
