Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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