I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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