in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
