i need an iv and a liver transplant
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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