At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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