your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
