Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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