I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I am one with the molecules
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
