Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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