Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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