Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
do herpes really smell.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
