I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
