Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
