chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
