Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
