is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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