I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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