# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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