Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Pooping to opera.
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