Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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