I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
