I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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