you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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