Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
