Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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