you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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