woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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