and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
