A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
