Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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