You just made me feel so damn special
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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