I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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