??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
