In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
