I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
