nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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