I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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