i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
