I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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