My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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