if i can run in heels then i can drive
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
