I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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